We’re not talking about perfecting your morning routine or squeezing more productivity out of your day. This is about something deeper — redefining what your “best” actually means. Because at this point in life, the version of ourselves we once chased might no longer be the version that truly matters.

Why Do Men Ask This Question?

Let’s name it: “How do I become the best version of myself?” is often loaded with comparison, and a fear of falling behind. For many men, this question bubbles up when the old scripts — succeed, provide, perform — begin to feel hollow. Maybe you’ve achieved some of what you thought you wanted. Maybe you’ve failed. Maybe you pictured a different life for yourself.

Whatever the path, midlife offers a pause — and with it, the invitation to ask not just how to become better, but why. The bigger question might be why are you asking the question in the first place?

• Are you trying to improve your life or perfect it?
• Are you driven by self-worth or your inner critic?
• Are you seeking growth or trying to earn back something you feel you lost?

These are the real questions behind the question. And they’re worth pondering.

The First Half of Life: Best as External Success

In your 20s and 30s, becoming your best self probably looked a lot like achieving:

• Building a career
• Attracting a partner
• Earning status, money, or admiration

It can be what I call the magazine cover version of success. That’s not wrong. In fact, many of us needed those milestones to prove something — to ourselves or to others. But over time, you may have noticed:

• Success didn’t silence the inner doubt.
• Confidence remained fragile.
• External wins didn’t deliver internal peace.

This isn’t failure. It’s the beginning of a deeper integration. It’s time to find different goalposts for a different version of you.

Midlife: When “Best” Starts to Mean Something Different

At midlife, the rules start to shift. You might find yourself less driven by competition or comparison and more compelled by questions like:

• What impact do I want to have?
• Who am I when no one’s watching?
• If the future feels less infinite what’s actually important to me?
• How do I want to be remembered?
• What do I actually enjoy — and what have I just been tolerating?

Becoming the best version of yourself now often means:

• Learning to live with fewer masks
• Cultivating presence over performance
• Repairing what’s broken — inside and out
• Investing in relationships that nourish you, not just networks that advance you

It’s less about proving. More about aligning. There is a much more satisfying best version waiting for you, if you are willing to create space for it to emerge.

Best Doesn’t Mean Perfect — It Means Integrated

You’re not trying to become some mythical, flawless man.

You’re trying to:

• Be clear about what matters
• Be honest about what’s working and what’s not
• Own your story — without shame or spin
• Cultivate habits, relationships, and thoughts that support who you’re becoming

That’s integrity — and it’s the foundation of becoming your best self. Your best self may not need to look a whole lot different than your today self. What shifts is your perspectives, your expectations and your connection to your values.

5 Questions for Men Seeking to Grow at Midlife

1. What do I actually want — not just what I’ve been taught to want?
2. What parts of myself have I neglected or hidden?
3. What relationships am I not fully showing up in?
4. What coping patterns have outlived their usefulness?
5. What would it mean to pursue meaning — not just mastery?

You won’t answer all of these overnight. But sit with them. Journal about them. Talk to someone who can hold space for the real answers — not just the polished ones.

The Best Version of You May Not Be a “New You”

One of the most damaging ideas is that becoming your best self means a total reinvention.

Sometimes, it means stripping away what never fit.

It could mean returning to something you once loved.

And sometimes, it means seeing yourself — fully and clearly — for the first time.

A you that doesn’t need to be perfect and one defined on your own terms. It’s choosing your own values and choices and worry far less about what others might think or say.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you’re navigating these questions, you’re not alone. Coaching offers a judgment-free space where you can:

• Clarify what matters now
• Break old cycles
• Make bold (but grounded) changes

Explore working with Brendan or join one of our private men’s groups designed for midlife reinvention.

Related Reads:

• Why Men’s Groups Matter More Than Ever at Midlife
• How to Know If You’re Living Someone Else’s Life
• Permission to Change: Dismantling the Life You Built (and No Longer Want)

About the Author
Brendan Abbott is a certified life coach, Master NLP practitioner, and trained hypnotherapist with over 20 years of healthcare leadership experience—including 10 years in senior executive roles. He specializes in helping men reconnect with confidence, presence, and emotional truth—especially around intimacy, identity, and purpose.
Through coaching, content, and compassionate conversation, Brendan creates discreet spaces where high-achieving men can explore the deeper layers of their inner life without shame or judgment.

The post How to Become the Best Version of Yourself at Midlife — A Man’s Guide appeared first on Brendan Abbott.

The Quiet Crisis

It doesn’t look like a crisis. 
You’re not yelling at your kids, smashing golf clubs, or quitting your job to move to Bali.

In fact, things look… fine. 
You’ve built a life, carved out a career, and maybe even checked off most of the boxes you thought would make you happy.

From the outside, it looks like you made it. 
And honestly, part of you agrees: “I should be grateful.”

You have what you worked hard for. What you were promised. 
The title. The house. The vacations. Maybe the partner, the kids, the legacy in the making.

So why do you feel so… disconnected?

The wins don’t hit the same. The days blur together. And there’s a quiet voice — steady and inconvenient — asking:

“Is this it?”

This isn’t burnout, and it’s not failure. 
And no, you’re not broken.

You’re in a midlife transition.

 — -

What We Get Wrong About Midlife

We’ve been sold a version of midlife that either doesn’t exist, or doesn’t serve us.

It’s supposed to be the payoff chapter. 
You put in the hours, climbed the ladder, played the game. 
Now, in theory, you’re coasting — secure, respected, maybe mentoring others while enjoying the fruits of your effort.

But for many men, midlife doesn’t feel like arrival. 
It feels like… a collision.

Work is still going — but it no longer feels like a mountain to climb. 
You’ve proven yourself. You’re earning well. But the thrill is gone, and part of you quietly wonders if you’ve already hit your peak.

At home, the ground is shifting too. 
Your kids — if you have them — are getting older, more independent. 
Your parents may be aging, needing more support. 
Your relationship, if it’s lasted this long, might be stable but uninspired. Or maybe you’ve already lived through the rupture of a divorce and are navigating life on the other side.

And through it all, you’re trying to hold steady. 
Trying to stay grateful. 
Trying to keep showing up.

But the truth is, everything is changing at once — and not all in ways you chose.

It can feel like the world is conspiring against you. 
Like every domain of your life is somehow fraying at the edges at the same time.

And in some ways, that’s exactly what’s happening.

But here’s what no one tells you: 
This isn’t a breakdown. 
It’s an inflection point.

The world has shifted. 
But so have you.

You’ve outgrown who you were. 
And the old maps don’t match the new terrain.

This is not a crisis of failure — it’s the tension of transformation.

 — -

How Transition Really Feels

Most men don’t walk around saying, “I think I’m in a midlife transition.” 
They just feel… off.

Not depressed, exactly. 
Not broken. 
Just… dull. Uninterested. Disconnected.

You go through the motions — work, family, fitness, the usual routines — but the spark is missing. 
You still look fine on paper. Still capable. Still functioning. 
But inside, something feels misaligned.

And it’s hard to talk about. 
Not because you’re unwilling — because it’s hard to name. 
The people around you might not notice. Or if they do, they don’t understand. 
Unless someone’s been through it, it’s easy to dismiss.

You might catch yourself reminiscing about the old days, when life felt simpler, more carefree. 
When you had fire in your belly and something to prove. 
When everything still felt so…possible.

There’s a quiet sadness you might not have fuly noticed. 
A kind of soul-level restlessness just below the surface. 

And you feel pushed and pulled. 
Pulled between the stability you know and the freedom you long for. 
Between being the person others count on you to be, 
and the next version of you that refuses to be ignored.

It doesn’t always feel dramatic either. 
But it does feel relentless — like a low-level tension humming beneath everything.

And that tension? 
It’s not a problem to fix.

It’s a message. 
It’s time to tune into it. 

 — -

You’re Not Alone (and You’re Not Late)

This experience — the tension, the disorientation, the quiet dissatisfaction — it’s far more common than it looks.

Though you wouldn’t know it. 
Because most men don’t talk about it. 
Not with friends. Not at work. Not even with their partners.

Instead, it shows up in the background. 
In short tempers. In late-night scrolling. In unfinished projects. In the sense that you should be enjoying life more than you are — but somehow, you’re not.

There might be self-criticism. Regret. 
A low-level frustration that follows you through the day. 
You know something needs to change, but you don’t know what…or how.

And no one around you seems to be saying out loud what you feel inside.

You’re not falling behind. You’re not failing. 
You’re being pulled into something new — whether you’re ready or not.

This isn’t about setting the next goal or chasing another win. 
It’s deeper than that.

It’s not about what you’re doing…it’s about who you’re becoming.

The sense of being dragged into a new phase takes over slowly. 
Not with fireworks — but with the subtle realization that the rules you’ve been living by no longer apply.

And while that might feel unsettling, it’s not a crisis. 
It’s the beginning of a shift. 
One that starts not with action, but with awareness.

 — -

 A Different Approach — Identity, Not Productivity

The old playbook says: set goals, get focused, power through. 
When something feels off, the instinct is to fix it. 
Change your routine. Hit the gym. Hustle harder. Make a list. Check the boxes.

But what if the issue isn’t your output?

What if the shift you’re feeling isn’t about doing more, but becoming different?

Most men reach this point and try to solve it by pushing forward. 
They double down on discipline. 
Or they distract themselves with novelty — buy something, try something, reinvent the surface.

But this isn’t a surface-level problem.

This is about figuring out — and defining — who you are all over again.
Just when you thought you had it figured out.

It’s about re-examining the core story you’ve been living — and asking if it still fits.

It’s uncomfortable, because it’s not straightforward. 
There’s no productivity hack for soul realignment.

And yet, this is where the real work begins.

You don’t need a ten-point self-help book style plan. 
You need space. 
Honesty. 
And a willingness to ask questions you’ve been avoiding.

“What do I want now — truly?”

“What version of me am I ready to let go of?”
“What would it look like to live with integrity to who I’m becoming?”

This is the kind of clarity that doesn’t just change your goals. 
It changes your life.

 — -

 If This Resonates, Here’s What to Do Next

If any of this feels familiar — if you’ve been carrying that low-level friction, the restlessness, the sense that something is shifting — don’t dismiss it.

You can analyze it all day. 
Try to outthink it. 
Break it down like a problem to be solved.

But this isn’t that kind of work.

This isn’t about solutions. 
It’s about space.

You’re not going to solve your way through this. 
You’re going to have to feel your way through it. 
To listen your way through it.

And that means creating space — not just in your schedule, but in yourself. 
Stepping back from the noise, the roles, the distractions. 
Turning down the volume on everything that says, “Just get over it and keep moving.”

Let the frustration surface. 
Let the confusion rise. 
Let the irritation speak — the one that says, “Seriously? I have to figure all this out again?”

You don’t need a five-year plan right now. 
You need honesty. 
Stillness. 
And maybe most of all — **permission to not know yet.**

What if you didn’t have to come up with the solution — only create the space for it to emerge?
Yes, it might mean letting go of control.
But talk to enough men who’ve walked through this — and they’ll tell you: it’s the only way forward.

And if you want someone to help you hold that space — quietly, without judgment — I’m here.

This is the work I do. 
Not as a guru. Not as a fixer. 
But as someone who understands what it’s like to feel the walls closing in… and still believe there’s more waiting on the other side.

If you’re ready to explore what that might look like, reach out.

You don’t have to carry this alone.

This story was originally published on Medium

Brendan Abbott blends sharp strategic insight with emotional depth — providing a confidential, judgment-free space to discuss anything. From career pivots to addressing deeper personal truths. He acts as a guide, coach, and confidential advisor.

The post What If You’re Not Broken – Just in Transition? A Midlife Reframe for Men Who Feel Like They’re Losing Their Edge appeared first on Brendan Abbott.

The Need for Authentic Connection

Mens friendships can fade over the years due to busy careers, family responsibilities, and relocations, often leaving them isolated and missing the camaraderie and depth they once enjoyed.

If you’ve ever reminisced about your younger days — laughing openly with friends, feeling truly accepted, or enjoying meaningful conversations — but now find yourself longing for more than just surface-level interactions, you’re not alone. This is a common experience for men in midlife.

Wanting Connection but Nervous to Get Started

Many men are hesitant to join men’s circles because they worry about judgment, rejection, or discomfort in opening up.

It’s natural to wonder: “Will I be judged? Will I overshare?” These questions often keep men isolated, despite a genuine desire for authentic connection. This discomfort is normal and something many men share privately.

Why Men’s Circles Work — Safety and Structure

Men’s circles create a structured, safe environment built on clear agreements: confidentiality, respect, and supportive listening without interruption. You’re encouraged to participate in a way that feels comfortable for you — there’s no pressure, shame, or judgment.

Structured exercises, like those used in Authentic Relating, make conversations more natural, overcoming awkwardness and breaking down barriers quickly. No uncomfortable small talk, just question starters to get to know the real you, not your title or the common scripts you are used to rattling off a bad cocktail parties.

Beyond Friendship — Meaningful Bonds and Growth

These circles offer far more than casual friendships. They foster deep relationships that reduce isolation, support mental well-being, and increase overall satisfaction with life.

In my experience coaching men through midlife transitions, I’ve consistently seen structured, facilitated conversations dramatically improve men’s confidence, clarity of purpose, and emotional resilience.

Most importantly, they helped realize that many of their struggles and insecurities were shared by many others and far from broken, men were able to realize their experiences were completely normal.

Starting Your Own Men’s Circle

If you’re inspired to begin your own men’s group, here’s a simple framework:

• Define Clear Agreements: Emphasize confidentiality, respect, and non-interruption.
• Set a Regular Schedule: Consistency builds trust and deeper connections.
• Facilitate Gently: Lead with structured questions or exercises to ease discomfort and encourage openness.
• Grow Slowly: Invite members to share at their own pace, ensuring safety and trust are maintained.

Real Stories of Connection

Participants frequently share how men’s circles positively impact their lives:

One participant described his circle as a “weekly reset — a rare space to drop my guard and show up as my true self.”

Another shared, “I was hesitant at first, but now it’s one of the most important and fulfilling parts of my week.”

How to Experience a Men’s Circle

Men’s circles are becoming widely available, offering different formats to meet your comfort and commitment level:

• Drop-In Nights: Casual, no-pressure introductory sessions to experience men’s circles firsthand without a long-term commitment.
• Curated Cohorts: Structured groups that stay together for extended periods (typically six months), allowing deeper relationships and growth.

Your Invitation to Authentic Connection

Ready to explore the transformative potential of men’s circles? Consider joining an existing group or starting your own. This is an opportunity to intentionally create the kind of authentic friendships and conversations that truly enrich your life.

Join our waitlist or explore local options — your journey toward authentic connection and personal growth begins now.

Brendan Abbott blends sharp strategic insight with emotional depth — providing a confidential, judgment-free space to discuss anything. From career pivots to addressing deeper personal truths. He acts as a guide, coach, and confidential advisor.

The post Men’s Circles — A Safe Structured Space to Build Real Connections appeared first on Brendan Abbott.

It can almost seem cartoonish, the man going through a midlife crisis buying the sports car and running off with someone half his age. While few men actually go in this direction, I think the overall sentiment of wanting to break out of the familiar has a lot of truth to it.

Midlife is a significant time of change and upheaval. While we have worked hard and value the stability we have achieved it can also feel stifling at times. Marking important changes in our identity, our priorities and acknowledging that we are truly moving from one stage of life to another has spawned a new term: ‘middlescence’

Coined by gerontologist Barbara Waxman, middlescence describes a vibrant and dynamic life stage marked by significant transitions and reevaluations. Like adolescence, middlescence involves plenty of emotional ups and downs, identity shifts, and an urge to rebel against familiar roles.

Rebel with a Cause

Feeling restless or dissatisfied during this stage can be deeply confusing. You might think, “Why now? I’ve achieved so much; I should feel content.” Many men grapple privately with these thoughts, uncertain if it’s normal or even acceptable to feel this internal pull toward change.

I hear from men the desire to move away and start over, have a wild night out with their buddies or a sexual escapade with an old flame. Then in the next breath feel guilty that they may appear ungrateful for a partner and family the love and appreciate.

More than just nostalgia, these longings are real and deserve to be acknowledged. We can feel trapped in a routine and the roles we play. We seek spaciousness, novelty, to feel desired, and for some carefree lightness and fun.

The Midlife Paradox: Craving Change While Valuing Stability

Sometimes my job is to help men realize that it makes sense to have these feelings and desires. Being a responsible adult can be a lot of work and in midlife this is especially true. Our discipline has brought us career success, wealth and a certain momentum that life can move forward with.

These are all things that aren’t easy to get a temporary reprieve from either. More than just a vacation, there is a desire to genuinely put them down or set them aside and capture the carefree spirit of our earlier years.

I vividly remember my own moment of middlescence — a strong urge to reinvent myself, to relocate somewhere completely new, believing that a blank slate would solve the restlessness I was feeling. Yet, after reflection, I realized that no matter where we go, we bring ourselves along. After reflection, I realized that moving wouldn’t change who I was. The real transformation was internal.

True transformation isn’t about wiping the slate clean; it’s about evolving with intention, integrating our past with a vision for the future. It’s a delicate balance between accepting our life’s pathway and staying open to ongoing growth and change.

Choosing Healthy Rebellion Over Midlife Crisis

Not all midlife rebellions are created equal. Some rebellions may lead to impulsive, damaging decisions — quitting a stable job without a plan, abruptly ending meaningful relationships, or pursuing risky behaviors. While these actions can feel liberating at first, they often leave behind regret and complications.

So while you may feel the urge to do something on the wild and crazy side, it may be worth pausing to see if some of those itches can be scratched without needing to reinvent large portions of your life.

It’s about giving yourself permission to feel your restlessness without immediately reacting to it impulsively. Recognize that feeling restless or dissatisfied isn’t a shortcoming or that you’ve taken the wrong path; it’s a natural signal from within, indicating the need for deeper authenticity and growth.

5 Positive Ways to Navigate Your Midlife Rebellion

1. Permission to Feel: Allow yourself to experience restlessness without immediate judgment or action. Recognizing and accepting these feelings as normal can ease confusion and anxiety.

2. Pause and Reflect: Intentionally set aside moments to explore your feelings and motivations. Ask yourself what specific aspects of your life you feel compelled to change and why. This clarity can guide your choices.

3. Explore Safely: Engage in new interests or experiences gradually and mindfully. Rather than making drastic moves, test the waters with smaller, manageable experiments to discover what genuinely resonates with you.

4. Mini Rebellions: While you may want to escape and start all over again, what about a weekend with just your and your spouse or even on your own? Out of town and with no work phone. Can you build in some adventures that help you feel more alive? A day trip white water rafting or driving a race car on a controlled track let’s you forget everything and feel the excitement of a bit of danger.

5. Open Communication: Share your feelings openly with trusted friends, family, or a professional coach. Honest conversations about your internal struggles can significantly reduce impulsivity and foster clarity.

6. Commit to Personal Development: Channel your rebellious energy into structured opportunities for growth — workshops, courses, reading, or coaching programs — that guide your transformation constructively.

Midlife rebellion isn’t something to fear or suppress. Instead, see it as a powerful catalyst for meaningful self-discovery, growth, and renewal. Embracing this phase with empathy, patience, and thoughtful intention can transform your restlessness into a rewarding, deeply satisfying reinvention.

Take the Next Step

Have you experienced middlescence? How have you navigated your own moments of midlife rebellion? I’d genuinely love to hear your story — share in the comments below.

If you’re looking for personalized support, explore tailored coaching and private advisory services designed specifically to help you navigate this transformative stage with confidence and clarity.

Brendan Abbott blends sharp strategic insight with emotional depth — providing a confidential, judgment-free space to discuss anything. From career pivots to addressing deeper personal truths. He acts as a guide, coach, and confidential advisor.

The post Midlife Restlessness: How Healthy Rebellion Could Change Your Life appeared first on Brendan Abbott.

Do you feel a sense of dread creeping in as Sunday evening winds down and Monday looms ahead? While your role was once exciting and engaging, it has now become repetitive tasks and petty politics. If you’re experiencing this, you’re not alone. Many successful men in midlife encounter this precise career plateau. Though disorienting, the good news is that it’s relatively common and consider it your (sometimes unwelcome) invitation to a more meaningful next chapter.

Understanding Your Career Plateau

Research from economists David Blanchflower and Andrew Oswald highlights a powerful insight:

Life and work satisfaction typically follow a U-shaped curve, dipping to their lowest in your 40s before rising again.

While not exactly a rite of passage for everyone, it’s also not a sign that you have made the wrong choices or are simply ungrateful. It simply tells you it’s time for some adjustments.

Several factors often contribute to this plateau:

Changing personal values: Our first decades in true careers (as opposed to just jobs) usually involve trying to ensure that we are progressing in our career, getting to financial security and earning our status. As we get established and settle into our roles we shift our values wanting much more meaning, autonomy and contribution.

Repetitive challenges: Experience means you have the wisdom to know how to handle things That usually comes from doing the same things enough times. In some circumstances that can get repetitive and stagnant as your learning curve flattens dramatically.

The Golden handcuffs: Our lifestyles tend to grow with our incomes. Financial comfort can trap you in roles you no longer enjoy, amplifying the fear of leaving stability behind.

Misalignment with leadership: The company’s vision might no longer align with your personal values, turning even a good job into a burden. This can happen because of the arrival of a new leader or simply realizing that you have changed and you don’t feel like you can get behind where the senior leadership team has identified.

I’ve faced my own career plateau. Despite an amazing leadership team I built and continue to invest in their growth, there came a moment when I realized my personal growth and deeper satisfaction lay elsewhere. It took me about ten months of strategic planning and quiet preparation to transition confidently. Ensuring I had laid the appropriate groundwork to create something to shift into as well as the right runways to support the in between time. Ultimately, leaving opened new paths I couldn’t have imagined.

Recognizing Signs of Career Dissatisfaction

Do these resonate with you?

– You dread Mondays more intensely each week or too much of your year centres around a few precious vacation weeks?

– You’re increasingly disconnected from your leadership’s vision.

– You know that you aren’t engaged at work but also feel trapped in the financial security waiting around for a particular event or date years in the future.

– You’re struggling with a feeling of restlessness, despite your outward success. You minimize the boredom by reminding yourself how many people aspire to be in a role like yours.

If these ring true, your discomfort isn’t just an inconvenience — it’s a sign you’re ready for growth.

Facing Fear of Change

Change can feel overwhelming, especially at midlife. Common fears include:

– Financial insecurity: “What if I can’t replicate my current income?”

– Fear of judgment: “What will people think if I walk away?”

– Loss of identity: “Who am I without my professional title?”

– Feeling outdated: The thought of marketing yourself or switching industries feels overwhelming after years of stability.

It means accepting that change usually requires some discomfort but letting fear make the decision for you leaves you trapped in a place of unhappiness and will continue to rob you of energy and inspiration every day.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
Joseph Campbell

If your work life feels misaligned but you’re not sure what’s next, the Midlife Clarity Self-Assessment can help.
This free, thoughtfully designed workbook helps you uncover what’s working, what’s not, and where to go from here.

 Download the Assessment Now

Practical Steps to Reignite Career Satisfaction

Here are concrete strategies that can ease your transition and reignite your passion:

1. Conduct a skills and passion audit

Take inventory of your skills and passions to pinpoint what excites you now. Your skills have a market value and knowing what type of work energizes you helps match you to the best future opportunities.

2. Run Small Experiments

Don’t quit impulsively. Instead, try out new career options through side projects, freelancing, or networking events. This doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Give yourself the time and space but keep moving forward.

3. Create a Transition Plan

Financial concerns are valid. Plan your financial runway, engage in strategic networking, and thoroughly research new opportunities before you move.

4. Adjust Your Mindset

Rather than radical reinvention, think of this as refining your existing skills and experiences to match your evolving goals and interests.

Reignite Your Career Satisfaction

If you’re experiencing midlife dissatisfaction, take heart — this period of restlessness is your opportunity to redefine your career, reignite your passion, and realign your life with your true values.

You’ve achieved so much. Now it’s time to intentionally design the next stage of your life.

Brendan Abbott blends sharp strategic insight with emotional depth — providing a confidential, judgment-free space to discuss anything. From career pivots to addressing deeper personal truths. He acts as a guide, coach, and confidential advisor.

The post Stuck in a Career Rut? How Successful Men Overcome Midlife Dissatisfaction appeared first on Brendan Abbott.